09 January 2007

A cure for cancer….

It might as well have been for the avalanche of sycophantic coverage. But, no, it’s actually a phone. Oh sorry, a reinvented phone.

Yes, finally, for all those fools that rushed out to buy an overpriced proprietary MP3 player called an iPod, there is something else for them to waste their money on.

Steve Jobs has pulled off the old Jedi mind trick again and launched an iPhone, which is also a phone and a ‘breakthrough internet device.’ Of course most people didn’t know you could break through the internet, thinking it was just a fantastical ‘looking glass’ scenario but, lo, Apple is wonderful. And you use your finger to dial. Visionary.

So, hoorah, look forward to plenty of politicians eagerly talking to youth magazines to fill “who’s in my iPhone” columns, and charts dedicated to knowing whose number has been downloaded most this week.

These will be the same magazines, of course, that are hungrily consumed by those unquestioning enough to pay £5 for a magazine whose sole editorial purpose is to make their readers feel materially inadequate.

These sheep-minded consumers – frittering away their hard-earned cash on Nero coffees, Nike trainers, Tommy Hilfiger, Hollywood blockbusters and plasma TVs – exercise no independent thought before buying whatever it is that everyone else is buying. The world and his wife have one. Now I do too. I’m an individual. I’m thick. It’s Apple. It’s great.

Choose Apple. Choose a gadget. Choose a statement. Choose proprietary. Choose to look like a cock who’s wearing white headphones. Choose something with shit batteries. Choose poor security protection. Choose not to choose, you utterly ignorant over-paid twat. Choose to work really hard to get a job in journalism at the BBC and then undermine yourself by writing a great big advert for a new product.

And all this before it’s even available. Not only that, but of course us laggards in the UK have to wait not only until the iPhone is actually launched, but until it’s available through someone other than Cingular. In fact, until it’s available through a UK operator.

Marketing, Jesus. Bill Hicks was right.

It’s even enough to make you remember that Microsoft isn’t so good at marketing after all and, indeed, isn't quite so evil.

Apple iPhone mania is here. Run for the hills.

15 comments:

Chris Green said...

I am so disappointed by the iPhone I have decided to burn my black roll-neck jumper in protest.

I won't be burning the iPod or the three Mac minis however, might actually use those again!

Anonymous said...

Be very careful TWL... Soon the Mac zealots will find this post, hunt you down and force you to drink so much cappucino that you either become an architect (fantasy job for all Apple freaks), arch your fingers into a steeple in front of your face when making a point, or surrender and believe Steve Jobs is a god.

Actually - stories about Steve Job's legendary arrogance and rudeness to journos must be pretty widespread. Come on TWL - why don't you flush them out with a bad-hack style request....?

Anonymous said...

A phone that plays music and also doubles as an internet device. Truly ground breaking....

Anonymous said...

I'd say it represents a triumph of technology PRing. Apple launches new product and journalists write great things about it... will make lots of people buy it and will make Apple lots of money.

James said...

Count me among the avalanche of sycophants if you like. I still think it looks cool.

Iain said...

Goodness, I thought I was anti-Apple but that was a work of genius. Much as I loath Apple and the iPod I'm rather tempted by this phone.

Chris Green said...

Iain - you are one of us now!

Iain said...

Never Chris, I'll fight it to the last. The iPod is an overpriced media player for fashion victims, ResEdit is about as handy for coding as using a stone axe to repair a nuclear reactor and Bill Gates may want all the software in the world, but Jobs wants hardware and software.

But I still want one...

figgis said...

>I'd say it represents a triumph of technology PRing.<

Would you have per chance been involved in this? Take the day off, give yourself yet another pat on the back, well done. A most tricky thing to launch I'm sure...

Anonymous said...

Resedit, Iain? Real men use BBedit! Besides, resedit went out with the dinosaurs...

Zzzzz...

Anyway. Take a look at orange's press release / bottom kissing exercise (found in all good inboxes) and tell me they aren't pitching for the operator contract.

Oh, and the iPhone has *no* 3G support and isn't a Smartphone, as you can't put any old app on there.

So it's probably quite revolutionary in the US market.

Chris Green said...

Ben - you are a user and a mortal being, it is not for you to question what apps Apple chooses to bestow upon you via its device :)

Anonymous said...

Chris, you're absolutely right.

Mind you, by the time it reaches us poor sods in Europe (October) and Asia (2008, it'll probably look a bit old hat. And dammit, it doesn't have an apple logo on it, so I won't slavishly plonk down my well-earned for it until it does. Well, maybe if they throw in some stickers or something, I might.

Anonymous said...

Why can't we all just stand up an admire what Apple has done with the iPhone. Not only have they totally removed themselves from being just a computer company, but they have now got the tech industry to actually take notice of where this company is finally heading. Steve Jobs is a god and I for one salute him.

Anonymous said...

By "tech industry" I assume you mean "tech PR industry". Apple has been being widely described as a former computer company for years now in tech circles.

And TWL, please don't publish the phrase "Steve Jobs is a god" ever again. He'll only whack off to it when he's Googling himself and it made me do sick in my mouth.

....the world's leading.... said...

You'll like this then:

http://www.gapingvoid.com/Moveable_Type/archives/003636.html