11 September 2006

“Highly motivated, results-driven….”

Reading the PR section of Media Guardian always raises a wry smile. Tantalising roles await those with exceptional skills and enthusiasm. ‘Strategic thinker’ is usually up there, along with ‘outstanding client handling’ and ‘creative.’

But let’s be honest, ‘strategic thinking’ constitutes less than two per cent of your time. ‘Outstanding client handling’ means taking regular bollockings from an emotionally unstable marketing manager without taking it personally and ‘creative’ is within the confines of American corporate tastes.

So how about a bit of honesty….

Are you easy to convince? Will you churn out countless twelve hour days as a result of self-inflicted inefficient working practices? Are you impervious to the fact that your clients and journalists hate you and everything you stand for?

Well then you could be working for us!

We’re looking for insecure subservient people that will do anything to please. Our demanding roles require you to generate interest in some of the dullest products on Earth. Up for the challenge, you’ll enjoy counseling our clients who will then refuse to listen to your advice and insist purely upon product news releases that highlight the additional features within v 2.7.

Not motivated by money, you will enjoy exercising restraint when made to stay late in the office due to nothing more than your client not having bothered to ask you for something earlier in the day. Whilst trying your hardest to juggle several different clients – all in utterly different areas of the market – you’ll love the instant rough and tumble the very second a status report gets sent 30 minutes late or contains a typo.

So if you can rustle up six tier one level media for the CEO of a mid-size tech company at just three days notice, send us your CV! And if you can see the funny side when he cancels the day before he arrives, call us right now!!

As our clients are US-based technology companies, a second language is not required. However you must be able to chat politely about everything from fine wines to 802.11 standards, and not let your spokeperson's share options get you down. You’ll have the ability to laugh at strangers’ IT-based jokes and enjoy voluminous levels of reporting.

Naivety essential.


figgis said...

Bad day Madame TWL?

Well observed as always though...

Anonymous said...

no mention of being a 'self-starter'...?? ;-)

Anonymous said...

There are some benefits though. Many a pleasant afternoon has been spent in the company of an arrogant American spokesperson being ripped to shreds by the UK media, having previously ignored all your advice because he reckons that having been "grilled" by the Hicksville Mercury states-side he is prepared for anything.

Anonymous said...

I think I'll send this to Despair.com.