Make mine a large stiff one...

Seen the new Heineken television ad yet? No, neither have I. I don't think it's out...at least I've been searching on YouTube and it hasn't appeared, so I'm assuming that it's not yet on the telly. I'm interested though, as the Media Guardian tells me that it features a woman, in the bath, using a lobster "inappropriately".

Now, it strikes me that unless you've turned your tub into an aquarium, any use of a lobster in it could be deemed inappropriate. She might be using it to scrape a load of matted hair and gunk out of the plughole.

However, given the strapline for the ad is, "get the head right and the rest will follow..." I think we all know the sort of inappropriate crustacean use to which Heineken is alluding.

Such is the beauty of advertising. Can you imagine pitching up to your client and proposing a PR campaign based around suggestions of masturbation with marine animals? Or suggestions of masturbation full stop?

Perhaps there is an associated PR campaign. I have images in my mind of earnest AEs selling "Top Ten wanking widgets" boxouts into the lifestyles...celebs being approached to discuss their favourite self-love stories...websites carrying surveys..."if you were to use a sea-based creature for a touch of self-gratification, which one would it be?" (dolphin for me, in case you're interested. Or you're a dolphin).

I imagine they'd also need to do something around drinking responsibly. Perhaps your designated driver could be encouraged to ask for a Heineken hand shandy from the busty barmaid at the Dog & Duck?

No doubt the advertising agency is furiously thinking about the next ad in the series (or, as I suspect, lining up another 20 minute brainstorm in the local boozer).

I have an idea...maybe the next ad should be one for the ladies? It could feature a hunky chap in his local supermarket getting over-friendly with a watermelon that he's drawn a girl's face on with a marker pen and cut a suitably sized hold in...

He could even pick up a six-pack on his way out.